Feeling emo

Here is another musing of an average anti-social girl.

When you feel like a failure and you are disgusted with yourself and feeling very emo at the moment… distract yourself by daydreaming or writing on your blog, well, thats what I am upto at the moment.

Geez, I’m trap in a loop and i cant damn get off!

And I am super tired. Sleepless yet again last night… I tried to finish off my current project. Sheez my client’s been bugging me for the past few weeks… though I am nowhere near finish atleast I was able to get a load off, got a big chunk out of my back and did a hell lot of workload finished ha! (Pats own back)

Eventhough I am currently doing freelance for the um past year atleast I am getting paid really good, and able to spend and buy books each month or each week(?). Darn it.. speaking of books, when I saw my credit card bill I was really shocked that most of my expenses are from buying books! Sheesh! So now I’m on a book diet and will refrain myself from entering bookstores for atleast a month or so… that is if I can control myself. I live and breathe reading… my television doesn’t even function anymore… and the only appliance I often use is my lamp and my laptop, well, you may include my fan hee! But that’s it. Yeah I am such a loner… (please shoot me!)

I really wish its still July. I loved that month, not only because its my birth month, but mostly because it feels like Christmas, I may not have gotten loads of gifts last month but there are a lot of parties, birthday celebrations, etc etc… and I’m often out of the house, and I was really really happy.

So why? why why I feel like a failure? Presently, my mom is really mad at me, well, not really mad but rather irked. I may have promised some few things to her that I was not able to do until the last minute. And also for the past few months she’s been a really good mom to me and I feel like I am a very disappointing daughter and also it feels like I’m not good enough….. (insert sad music here)

And I am not being a good christian either. Yesterday it was my uncle’s birthday and all of my family went to his house and celebrated, I said I’ll follow and will be there, but I didnt go and I didn’t even greet him… I slept all day! Well, its too late to greet him now right? I feel bad about it. I did not even go to church. I do not even pray at night anymore… I’m becoming pagan. Well, I tried to practice witchcraft before… lets make that “tried” bolder since I never got to it really. It’s just before… I really wanted more out of life. But still I’m getting really tired of the usual shit in this world… (long sigh here….)

Oh geez, here comes my emo moment. Good thing I have plans this Saturday with my friends… although I’m not feeling upto it but atleast there’s something that will take my mind out of moping and cursing myself for lacking for so much. I am seriously becoming delusional too and I may need years of therapy from between the walls of a padded room. @_@

Oh and talk about the drama in my family! My cousin who’s the same age as I am is 4 months pregnant. She already told me this like 2 months ago, and time and time again I kept telling her to tell her parents, she really needed their help… and then finally just last week (i think or 2 weeks ago) she told everyone, ofcourse, with the help of her persistent cousin namely myself, she confessed that she is with child. But geez, left and right all conversations revolved around her, the baby, the father, and on and on and on same topic. I’m not really complaining about the issue they kept repeating y’know but they better talk about something else soon or I may start wearing earplugs when I’m with them. (redundant much?)

And my poor cousin, she’s being forced to do stuff that she does not want, even the father of her child is being forced to change religion (btw, he is a baptist) and my aunt wants him to convert to catholic and do lots of stuff– this and that. Gee they want to run their lives! Good thing I’m not in that situation. (Oh the complexities of family)

Still I just want to be a pacifist and not argue with the lots of them. I hate hate hate conflict, war, disputes…

And I’d rather not give a damn opinion, ’cause sometimes those words stab you at the back, and I don’t want to eat things I’ve said that may get back on me like y’know bad karma. So there!

Oh and this is becoming a long rant… better stop now.

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